he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
