No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize