I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
