my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
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She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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