i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
