Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
