i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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