She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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