Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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