I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
high people should be assigned attendants
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
