i think my tv is drunk
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
