i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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