you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can Purell be used as lube?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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