he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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