I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
