fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's blow job season.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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