Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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