the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
