Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
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if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
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he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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