someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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