White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
