Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
