I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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