Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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