Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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