That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME