Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.