I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
As shirtless as possible
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
