Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
