I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
