after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
