I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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