Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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