My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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