Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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