Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
