Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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