i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
