Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
