I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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