marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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