i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
