i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
