I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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