good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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