just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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