He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
