I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
