I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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