hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
