yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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