I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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