Your face is a jimmy john
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
