Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
